Eat Me 2

This is a follow-up to my last post, which can be read here. The New York Times called it “Titillating!” The Washington Post hailed, “Whoever has laughed or cried or compared anything to Cats has clearly never read The Whine Life.” The Chicago Tribune couldn’t be reached for comment, or no longer exists in print format. (Is there an app for that?) Moving along… Jumping Rope – Oh, where to begin? First of all, I seem to have lost my one and only pair of actual, bona fide sneakers. I swear I wore them not a few days ago and now they’re gone! (It’s…

Eat Me*

You hear it all the time: You are what you eat. But what if I like to eat NY Strip Steaks and mashed potatoes washed down with a tumbler of whiskey? Does that make me someone’s middle-aged uncle? In all seriousness, I’ve had three sips of whiskey in my entire life, but if I could eat a NY Strip Steak and mashed potatoes every night for the rest of my life, I’d be a happy, happy girl. (And if you threw in grilled cheese for lunch and something else covered in cheese with a side o’ salty meat for breakfast, I’d maybe…

Conversations, Clowns, and Coors Light

Marcie: “So you’re really running a 5K and training with a jump rope in your basement?” Me: “Well, I was thinking about it and I had the greatest idea! You see, I feel it’s important to let the chickens roam free in the yard every day…” {cuts me off} Marcie: “That’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said! Who are you?” Me: “Shut up. But seriously, I was thinking about it and I could jump rope outside while the chickens are roaming in the yard!!!” Marcie: “No, that is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said!” She has a point. ***** Speaking of…

I need to star in my own ’80s commercial for athletic wear

Have I mentioned that I signed up for the NYC Color Run? No? Have I mentioned that I haven’t ran–or even TROTTED–any significant distance since 1995? Yeah. Two of my favorite (and most sadistic, apparently) friends will be joining me–one of whom is flying up from Virginia solely for the occasion. Such good intentions…such admirable ambitions…such a stupid fucking idea. I don’t even remember what got the hair up our asses to do this in the first place. I think it had something to do with “being healthy” or “setting goals” or “trying to die.” Whatever the reason, we are now…

Two N Glenn

One of the funniest people I’ve ever met—and someone who makes me choke on my coffee on a daily basis—is my friend Glenn*, who I thought was a complete prick when we first met. (I also thought my best friend, Marcie, was a whore when I met her in college. So that says a lot about my judge of character. Or does it?) (If Marcie doesn’t leave a comment we’ll know she isn’t paying attention. That fucking whore!!!) Glenn is smart, confident, precise, occasionally cocky, has the posture and self-discipline of a Jedi master, and is completely void of tolerance for ignorance,…