One of the funniest people I’ve ever met—and someone who makes me choke on my coffee on a daily basis—is my friend Glenn*, who I thought was a complete prick when we first met. (I also thought my best friend, Marcie, was a whore when I met her in college. So that says a lot about my judge of character. Or does it?)
(If Marcie doesn’t leave a comment we’ll know she isn’t paying attention. That fucking whore!!!)
Glenn is smart, confident, precise, occasionally cocky, has the posture and self-discipline of a Jedi master, and is completely void of tolerance for ignorance, which I found off-putting . . . until I realized that, hello, he is who I’d like to be someday when I’m looking in a mirror! We’ve since become great friends–at which time I found out that he’s also incredibly down-to-earth, compassionate, and respectful, to name a few—and it’s in large part to him that this website even exists. He’s good people.
Aside from our shared love of Howard Stern and all things potty humor, we’re also both huge lovers of the English language. I can’t think of many people–or anyone, really–who would enjoy learning from me a new word I just picked up or having a colorful (i.e. LITTERED with expletives) conversation about regional pronunciations and our nation’s propulsion toward accepting incorrectly spelled words than Glenn. (Why do I feel like I’m writing his epitaph? This is freaking me out!)
Getting right to it, then!
Like me, Glenn is also a bit of an Anglophile and sent to me one day the funniest string of IMs I’ve ever received. I copied and pasted them into a Word doc and saved them for a rainy day. Well, it’s been raining…and I couldn’t think of a better time to enjoy them all over again.
Without further adieu, here’s a short list of Glenn’s American-to-British translations:
“Skanky bitch!” – You, young lady, have the air of a rabid pregnant canine, the kind which goes about from place to place, and cannot be considered of good breeding!
“Let’s get the fuck out of here!” - Quick, we must make haste in departing from our current location, to another.
“Go fuck yourself!” – Well, I must say that I am in disagreement with your aforementioned point, sir, and I’d thank you to leave this place and practice self-fornication, if you can.
“Fuckin’ a!” – I do believe you are correct, chap!
“Fuck this!” – We have entered into a situation here, my good sir, up with which I shall no longer put!
“Peace out. – I am afraid I must depart at this time, for our erstwhile conversation has begun to atrophy my brain, though I wish you all the pleasantries of our imminent separation.
“Fuck this job!” – My satisfaction with my current situation of employment has begun to vanish into the ether of nothingness and despair.
*FYI, that’s Glenn with two Ns. He will not be too polite to point out your ignorance if you get it wrong. Thank you. God speed.